


Excerpts From The Manual

by BairnSidhe, mouseymightymarvellous, quadrad, ValkyriePhoenix



Series: Things That Should Not Have Worked: a Brief History of S.H.I.E.L.D. [2]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: "I was left unsupervised" only counts as a defense for some people, Clint the Human Disaster, Gen, IT'S NOT MY FAULT, SHEILD Agent Manual, Shenanigans, That's Not How A Grenade Works, Things That Should Not Have Worked, crackfic hell
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-18 19:07:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,716
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8172617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BairnSidhe/pseuds/BairnSidhe, https://archiveofourown.org/users/mouseymightymarvellous/pseuds/mouseymightymarvellous, https://archiveofourown.org/users/quadrad/pseuds/quadrad, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValkyriePhoenix/pseuds/ValkyriePhoenix
Summary: Randomly selected rules and their addendum from the SHEILD Agent Manual.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> You'll note that I have not numbered these, but that each rule and addendum includes the Edition in which it was first seen.

Agents will not shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie." (65th Edition)  
Addendum: DrunkClint is not to be allowed to watch zombie movies and maintain the possession of his weapons. Either prevent the drinking, prevent the zombie movies (and shows), or take. His. Weapons. Away. (70th Edition)  
_This rule was put into effect after Sitwell woke up to discover he was tied to a chair and kept being poked with a arrow by a drunken Clint who kept asking if Sitwell had been bitten. The incident of course caused Coulson to win that month's not my circus not my monkeys award. Phil immediately gave the bottle of the good stuff to Jasper as an apology._

Plan B is not just “twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.” (1st Edition)  
Addendum A: Demolitions Experts are not to be left unsupervised. Especially in the field. (2nd Edition)  
Addendum B: “Because it was pretty” is not an acceptable explanation for unnecessary explosions. (9th Edition)  
Addendum C: Neither are “I was bored”, “They SAID they needed a distraction”, nor “It was just a LITTLE one...” (36th Edition)  
Addendum D: The Demolitions Expert is not to be allowed any decisions involving plans or strategies. (37th Edition)

Agents may not take ANY “artistic lisence” when translating. (1st Edition)  
Addendum A: This includes both addition and omission of key phrases, adjectives, adverbs, nouns, or verbs in both real-time verbal translations and written translations. (2nd Edition)  
Addendum B: “Their threats weren't really as creative or original as they thought they were, so I helped them out...” is not an adequate excuse. “English does not have an equivalent word or phrase” is. (75th Edition)

Agents will not invent, manufacture, or produce any black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents. Not even if a senior agent suggests it. (71st Edition)  
Addendum: Especially if the agent suggesting it is named Barton. (73rd Edition)

Agents will remember that just because they speak Swahilli, obscure dialects of Chinese, Gaelic, or any other language not spoken in the region their mission is in, that does NOT mean that their handler does. (57th Edition)

No, you may not requisition 10,000 marbles. No, neither your handler nor the Director want to know why you need them. (69th Edition)

If the mission briefing says "and bring him back intact", that does, in fact, include redundant organs. (67th Edition)  
Addendum: It also includes superfluous organs. (68th Edition)

If the gun can't fit in the x-ray machine, it does not go on your under cover assignment, not even to the airport, much less on the plane. (51st Edition) 


	2. Chapter 2

Contrary to popular belief, agents do not have weapon proficiency in: Cat (the furry kind, not nine-tailed leather.) _(Agent May)_ , midget _(Rumlow.)_ , or frying pans _(Morse.)_ (68th Edition)  
Addendum A: Agents with combat skills ranked lower than Agent Morse are advised that their last names are NOT Romanoff and they should not attempt to use a wet towel as an improvised weapon. (69th Edition)  
Addendum B: Photos of your ex are not adequate back-up weapons. (71st Edition)  
Addendum C: See Item 1, Addendum A: Agents will not attempt anything "They saw Agent Coulson do in a video once." (74th Edition)

Agents may not use SHEILD funds to commission any pistol that costs more than a luxury vehicle. (1st Edition)  
Addendum: Nor any shotgun that costs more than a luxury sedan (20th Edition)

Batches of nerve gas are not to be cooked up anywhere outside of the labs, the kitchen sink in the Common Lounge is expressly prohibited as the location for such. (12th Edition)  
Addendum A: Not even very small ones. (13th Edition)  
Addendum B: Not even if you ARE a biochemist. (20th Edition)

Cover identity names are not to be double entendres. (15th Edition)  
Addendum: Nor anagrams of Playboy Playmates. (20th Edition)

There is no situation that requires a recreation of the Death Star Trench Run. Particularly with live fire. (17th Edition)  
Addendum: Especially in Academy residential hallways. (18th Edition)

Valley Speak has no place in a work setting. (60th Edition)  
Addendum: Especially if you are the supervisor. (62nd Edition)

Collateral Damage Man, nor any facsimile thereof, is not an appropriate code name for any agent. (57th Edition)

Academy graduates are to remember that they are trained for this and Synchronized Panicking does not constitute a battle plan. (53rd Edition)  
Addendum: This goes triple for Combat track and Specialist graduates. (54th Edition)

There is no use for an industrial strength flame thrower in the interrogation rooms that is not strictly prohibited by the Geneva Convention. Stop asking for one, the answer is NO. (66th Edition) _(Natasha.)_

Agents will not pause in the middle of a black op and ask a guard to validate parking. (64th Edition) _(Coulson.)_

Agents on protection detail to the families of assets are reminded that lighting feces-filled diapers on fire and throwing them at threats, however effective, counts as biological warfare and is frowned upon. (70th Edition)  
Addendum: Throwing feces-filled diapers that are NOT lit on fire is still biological warfare, juvenile, and still frowned upon. (71st Edition)

"Investigate potentially evil cult" includes **investigating** , not merely lighting the decrepit mansion on fire from the outside. (63rd Edition)  
Addendum: Agents will also not use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the terrorist's cave without verifying ALL of the intelligence on it. (66th Edition)

Agents will remember that it is "the armory" NOT "Bloodbath and Beyond" (67th Edition)  
Addendum: This goes double for Legacy agents. (68th Edition)

Agents will not place bets on how many times a target bounces when thrown off of a roof. (57th Edition) _(Barton)_  
Addendum A: Nor out of a window. (65th Edition) _(Romanoff)_  
Addendum B: Nor from a plane, helicopter, cliff, or any other substantial height. (66th Edition) _(May)_

Agents may not kill civilians just because they appear to be Emo. Even if they are "terminally stupid." (68th Edition)  
Addendum: Ditto for "Scene-kids." (69th Edition)

The words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" will not be inserted into any list of instructions. (70th Edition)  
Addendum A: Nor the name of any other SHEILD Agent. (71st Edition)  
Addendum B: Even if Agent Sitwell IS a killjoy. (72nd Edition)


	3. Chapter 3

Agents are not authorized to pave ANYTHING. (69th Edition)

Academy students are advised that setting Nazi propaganda music to a “snappy disco beat” is grounds for suspension pending a full psychological evaluation. (23rd Edition)

The random branch you picked up as an improvised weapon is not your “Ceremonial Whoopass Stick” and it will not go on “all future missions” with you. No matter how much ass you kicked with it. (59th Edition)

If the mission does not involve human trafficking or prostitution, there will be **no** “pimping out” of teammates. (61st Edition)

No matter how boring guard duty is, there will be **NO** berserking “for the hell of it” at any royal function, including but not limited to: masquerades, balls, emissary meet  & greets. (63rd Edition)

 ~~The requisition, purchase, or use of any animal in lots over 100, particularly in the field, is strictly prohibited. (1st Edition)~~  
The requisition, purchase or use of animals in lots totaling 20 or more in the field is strictly prohibited. (81st Edition)

Agents are not authorized to begin any civil engineering project on the tax payers' dime. (67th Edition)

Agents will not spontaneously “forget” to mention the probability of traps to the mission's pointman. Even if he is an overly arrogant asshole. (30th Edition)

Agents will have to cook for themselves in the field. Cooking classes are available for free in the Academy, cafeterias, and commissaries, rations may be picked up from the quarter master prior to missions. There is no need for “improvised cooking.” Treatment of any accidental poisonings from “improvised cooking” will be payed for out of your own pockets. Medical will not be sympathetic. (25th Edition)

The Computer Science Department will not edit every appearance of the words “Strike Team” and “STRIKE” to read “Team NoBrain.” (68th Edition)  
Addendum A: Strike teams will not refer to the Computer Science Department as “Code Monkeys” (69th Edition)  
Addendum B: “Squints,” “Eggheads,” and “Vampires” are not approved terms for any of the Science Departments. (70th Edition)

Agents will not make, and the Computer Science Department will not take, bribes to ensure Payroll's computers “lose” any other Agent's files. Even if they are “raging assholes” and deserve it. (71st Edition)

If the mere thought of it results in the others on your team requiring psychological evaluations and leave, it should be patently obvious that it should not be done. (76th Edition)

There is no reason to give the children of SHEILD's base Day Care facilities a sugar rush, especially if the children in question are toddlers and pre-schoolers. (73rd Edition)  
Addendum A: This goes triple if coinciding with a Code Chartreuse. (74th Edition)

There will be **NO** loading any gatling weapon solely with paint rounds during or immediately prior to them being used in an operation. (65th Edition)  
Addendum A: Any gatling weapon previously loaded with paint rounds for training exercises, will be immediately unloaded and labeled, not left fully loaded and unidentified for accidental use in the field. (66th Edition)

There is no circumstance requiring any agent to replace anything with Folger's Instant coffee crystals “to see if anyone notices.” Particularly not while on SHEILD properties. (68th Edition)

The PA system is not for romancing or seducing ANYONE. (65th Edition)  
Addendum: Especially with songs consisting mostly of euphemisms such as Five's “Cold Sweat.” The Sexual Harassment Awareness seminar is every Friday in the auditorium from 8 am till 3:30 pm. (77th Edition)

 ~~Agents will not paint chainsaws with blood, real or otherwise, and leave them in the interrogation rooms. (43rd Edition)~~  
~~Addendum: Nor will they steal surgical tools from Medical, paint them with blood, real or otherwise, and leave them in the interrogation rooms. (52nd Edition)~~  
The following items and materials do not belong, individually or in any combination, in the interrogation rooms, cafeterias, armory, new agent orientation rooms, low level agent training rooms, or the attached locker rooms: chain saws, flamethrowers, surgical tools, blood – real or otherwise, other medical equipment, cadavers – real or otherwise, dismembered anything, fireman's axes, carpentry tools, masonry or lapidary tools, blacksmithing tools, fireplace tools, shovels, pickaxes, blow torches or other welding equipment, wood burning equipment, branding irons, kitchen tools and cutlery used for any purpose other than the preparation and eating of food, or anything that could be used to make or replace the use of any of the above. (68th Edition)

There is no reason to duel wield small animals. Ever. (12th Edition)

The following weapons are not legal choices in a sparring match: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget. (32nd Edition)

Monologuing will not be necessary and is strongly discouraged. (2nd Edition)

Combat, Specialist and Strike agents are not allowed to spontaneously check if the Science and Communications agents attached to their teams can take a punch. (46th Edition)

Agents should assume that they not allowed to do anything that would make Hitler, Mengele, or Rascher cry. (45th Edition)

Do not attempt to recreate any scene from Dr. Who while in the field for any reason. (47th Edition)

The Jedi Mind Trick will not get you out of trouble with your superiors. Even if they ARE “weak of mind.” (20th Edition)

There will be NO feeding the pre-schoolers on base any amount of Mt. Dew. (57th Edition)  
Addendum: Nor Monster, Red Bull, or any other high-caffeine or taurine beverage (60th Edition)

Agents will not taunt the rest of the team in 8 different languages just because they forgot to take any. (65th Edition)

If a black op requires an agent to impersonate an employee, the agent cannot bill the target for overtime. (55th Edition)

At the end of a black-op, agents will not crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone. (68th Edition)

Agents are not allowed to speak in 3rd person. Ever. (63rd Edition)

Agents will not derail the mission briefing for a two hour debate on the qualities of various types of rope. (50th Edition)  
Addendum: Especially if BDSM or any sub-topic thereof is mentioned at all in that debate. (66th Edition)

No Academy track allows specializing in defenestration. Not even the Specialist track. (67th Edition)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Huuuuge shoutout to hujwernoo who said:  
>  "I wanted to copy-paste the top two or three quotes in this bookmark, but eventually I realized that the top two or three quotes in every CHAPTER are all equally vying for attention, nevermind the whole series. I just. Code Chartreuse. The Howlie Fair. The Rocky Horror Incident. 'Bloodbath & Beyond'. Midgets as weapons. The Coffee War. Clint causing new editions to come out every few months or so. Just. I couldn't stop laughing, maybe I've been drugged. Thanks for the addiction, you guys."  
> We love you too, and you are absolutely welcome for the addiction! <3

Firearms are not toys, no matter how bored you are. (6th Edition)

Agents are advised they may NOT bring a rocket propelled ANYTHING to a potential shoot out on the grounds of “why bring a gun to a gun fight when you can bring missiles?”, “they shouldn't have brought guns to a missile fight” or any variation thereof. (9th Edition)   
Addendum A: It is also not advised to bring knives to a gunfight. (15th Edition)  
Addendum B: Compressed Air Cannons with pressurized contact paralytic “bombs” are also banned from gunfights. (63rd Edition)  
Addendum C: It should not have to be said, but apparently does, that sledgehammers used in conjunction with pressurized contact paralytic “bombs” also don't belong at gunfights. (65th Edition)

Agents are to avoid use of percussive maintenance in the field, and under **NO** circumstance is the solution to a problem ‘use a bigger hammer’ no matter what your senior officer says. (1st Edition)  
Addendum A: Just because a blunt object is not specifically classified as a hammer does not mean that it does not count as percussive maintenance. (2nd Edition)  
Addendum B: Shooting malfunctioning anything may not technically qualify as “percussive” maintenance, but it is not the solution, no matter how large a caliber bullet you use. (17th Edition)  
Addendum C: “More amperage” and shocking the “problem” is also not the solution. (67th Edition)

Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't replace proper medical care for massive blood loss. (50th Edition)

Agents building cover identities have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name. (40th Edition)

When a higher Level agent asks for volunteers, under no circumstances will any agent “help” others make a decision. (8th Edition)

No agent is from Margaritaville, and even if they were, that doesn't excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection. (18th Edition)  
Addendum A: Nor drunkenness on duty. (19th Edition)  
Addendum B: Nor hangovers on duty. (20th Edition)

When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for. (39th Edition) 

Agents will not hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles. (61st Edition)

Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German. (21st Edition)

Agents do not get any “credit” for anyone they manage to kill by stampeding sheep. (23rd Edition)  
Addendum: Nor any other livestock. (58th Edition)

Agents must remember that royalty do not share the same love of parody as you. (20th Edition)

Agents should remember that what happens in Vegas does not always stay in Vegas. (24th Edition)  
Addendum: Also, Budapest. (66th Edition)

When installing cyber-ware, Computer Science agents will not also install the Clapper as a built in feature. (68th Edition)

No one will thank you for diverting the current problem by setting up the crazed arms dealer with the mad scientist's sister. (43rd Edition)

If you can fit your head down the gun's barrel, it is safe to assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option. (47th Edition)

Agents will not use ventriloquism to convince lower level agents that the weapon they picked up in the field is a magical talking one, no matter how funny or absurdly easy it is. (51st Edition)

Do not put anything featuring Calvin and/or Hobbs on SHEILD or other government-owned vehicles. (62nd Edition)  
Addendum: Especially if said vehicle comes standard with artillery. (63rd Edition)

No matter how many people you need to feed, agents will not use explosives of any type nor any assault weapon to fish. (58th Edition)

There is no circumstance that would require any agent to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries. (55th Edition)

Pursue means “to chase after,” not “just shoot out their knees.” (66th Edition)

Agents will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters. (1st Edition)

“Check the door” means “to listen at it,” **NOT** “put several rounds through it.” (2nd Edition)

**NO** battle plan is to be implemented which includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot" (1st Edition)

After a successful black op mission, agents will not leave paint bombs under all the boardroom's seat cushions. (53rd Edition)  
Addendum: DURING a black op mission, agents will not spend the time to put paint bombs under all of the board room's seat cushions. (54th Edition)

1st Watch is not for accordion practice. (1st Edition)  
Addendum A: 2nd Watch is not for starting up pick up rugby games with wandering anything. (2nd Edition)  
Addendum B: 3rd Watch is not clothing optional. (3rd Edition)

Agents are forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions. (1st Edition)  
Addendum: This goes triple for any agent NOT in SCI-Div (13th Edition)

Agents will not try to skip to the primary target, past their guards, dressed like a singing telegram. (1st Edition)

There will be NO substitution of accuracy with enthusiasm. (16th Edition)

After a particularly bloody battle, agents will not “celebrate” by lying down and making carnage angels. Doing so will result in suspension without pay pending review and a full psychological evaluation. (27th Edition)

When doing surveillance during a mission and your handler demands to know what you are doing, the answer had better not be "The Charleston" (49th Edition)

There is no reason that excuses any agent to load the heavy machine gun exclusively with tracer rounds just because you like the pretty colors. (52nd Edition)

There is no acceptable use of the barracks, or any other SHEILD property to produce pornographic images. Even if it is "especially patriotic" porn. (77th Edition)


	5. Chapter 5

There will be NO hugging or petting of sledge hammers, explosive ordnance, artillery, artillery equipped vehicles, or long guns of any type. (18th Edition)  
Addendum A: There will also be NO naming of such (19th Edition)   
Addendum B: Nor fondling or kissing (25th Edition)   
Addendum C: They are not your wife, your mistress, your girlfriend, nor your “one true love.” (56th Edition)   
Addendum D: Neither are the more general terms “blunt force”, “fire”, “explosions”, or “fire power” (57th Edition)

Curses, Yiddish, Irish, Chinese, or otherwise, do not actually have the power to spontaneously drop a balcony on someone's head. Nor re-route a sugar truck to run someone over. No one believes it was a curse that did it, stop trying. (55th Edition)   
Addendum: “Fate just needed a little help” is not an excuse. (56th Edition)

“Left over” explosive ordnance is to be returned to the armory, not kept for use at your Independence Day, New Year's, Guy Fawkes' or any other holiday party. “The city doesn't allow fireworks” is not an excuse, if they don't allow fireworks, they don't allow any other explosives either. SHEILD will not bail you out. (37th Edition)

Agents are to remain aware that any member of any Royal family, Presidents, Ambassadors, and other Dignitaries, are to be addressed solely by their appropriate title. Nicknames are frowned on, even if the dignitary in question liked it. (1st Edition)  
Addendum A: Only the Senior Handler gets to pick Code Names for any dignitary under a protection detail, and Agents may not alter it because "He doesn't look like a Cosmos" or any similar excuse. (13th Edition)  
Addendum B: Agents are to be advised, even if you call them that at home, you may not use the slang name of any foreign dignitary to their face. (51st Edition)   
Addendum C: Yes, we also mean to Doom's mask. (53rd Edition)   
Addendum D: That does not mean “say it to their ass.” (54th Edition)

Setting the gruesome deaths of enemies to music is frowned upon and may result in mandatory psychological evaluation, even if it is "funny" "catchy" or "thematically appropriate". (76th Edition)   
Addendum A: Dancing without music is also against the rules. (77th Edition)   
Addendum B: Yes, this includes interpretive dance, rhythmic gymnastics, and synchronized anything. (78th Edition)   
Sub-Addendum: Your handler does not want to know where you got the ribbon, the sparklers, or any other prop. (78th Edition)

Male Agents are advised that their female colleagues had to work twice as hard as they did just to get to the door and will treat them with equal dignity and respect or report to Director Carter. No one will feel sorry for you if you mouth off and a female agent shoots you or otherwise hands you your ass. As a handy guide, if you would not say it to Director Carter in the same circumstance, do not say it to your other co-workers. (2nd Edition)   
Addendum A: Female Agents are advised that rubbing this rule in their male colleagues face will result in consequences equivalent to capability claimed. Directer Carter is, despite rumors, not God and will indeed hand you more than you can handle if you get uppity. (4th Edition)

There will be NO surprise games of dodge ball anywhere besides the gyms. (68th Edition)   
Addendum: No, the low level and junior agents are NOT fair game. (69th Edition)

“Training Analysis” and “Response Time testing” will be done in the appropriate, approved methods and places, NOT by embroiling the entire base in a spontaneous Nerf war. (70th Edition)   
Addendum A: Paintball wars are also banned. (71st Edition)   
Addendum B: Yes, you may _schedule_ Nerf or paintball training exercises, **provided** they occur in approved locations that do not include SCI-Div labs, offices of SHEILD bases, or the armory. (72nd Edition)

If the handler must consider the full repercussions of your proposed course of action for more than 60 seconds, the answer is “No.” Possibly even “HELL NO.” (62nd Edition)

If an idea makes an agent giggle, chortle, or cackle for greater than 20 seconds, it is to be assumed that it may not be done. (63rd Edition)

Agents will not, under any circumstances, think up new, creative, and fun uses for cursed items, 084s, explosive ordnance, anything SCI-Div produces, or “basic household items”. (68th Edition)   
Addendum: Yes, that includes powered hand-held mixers, stand mixers, cleaning supplies, car batteries, and ovens. (69th Edition)

Sarcasm is wasted on terrorists, mad dictators, and mad scientists. (70th Edition)

**Author's Note:**

> Please do comment, especially with ideas on how, why, and who caused these rules to come about, such tales will be added to the first part of the series.


End file.
